Been avoiding writing this, don’t want to recall what happened it hurts too much, but I know I have to, then I won’t have to look at it again if I don’t want to – better out than in.
My arrest and night in Wellington police cells was going fine until the last three hours, then it all turned to shit because I was transported in a very cold NEW van into cold court cell, further delays and an arsehole guard looking after me. People with stress disorders (in stressful situations) must be treated the same as people in shock, first thing you do is keep them warm, being cold adds to trauma/stress. That is what should be on my court transfer papers not that I make vague threats of self-harm – WTF. The design of that NEW transport staff were gloating about is absolute crap and harmful to those inside the boxes.
Start from the beginning
As I didn’t turn up for court on Monday, as I had been turned down by the OT for health services and still didn’t have a lawyer I knew there would be a warrant out for my arrest. Chickened out doing a protest in Masterton so I would get arrested, too scared of police here. Went over to Wellington chalking and then started on my mission.
Headed for Supreme Court to do some chalking about justice and how I completely blamed the judiciary for discrimination against mentally ill people and allowing government to criminalise and persecute them, deny them professional health care. Then headed up to Treasury building and left a message for Treasury wankers – photos on my facebook page. Held them to account for the appalling mental health stats as well – did a few swastikas and called them murderers as well – I know they hate it. Then headed for Human Rights Commission, from which I am trespassed.
Nutted off at this old guy in reception and a group of people having a meeting about some bullshit. I was in total fire breathing dragon mode, told them exactly what I thought of them and their responsibility for mental health crisis, suicide, NZ being No 1 for child suicide, self-harm in women and family violence. Left before police arrived heading for my next target – didn’t make it 🙂
Have photos on my facebook page /jrmurphypoetmusician did a couple of videos of the chalking a few photos at the Human Rights Commission. Its like lala land up there, those people are completely out of touch with reality and refusing to accept the seriousness of what has gone on in mental health due to an economic theory taking over from constitutional, health and justice rights.
Was arrested on Lambton Quay with my large naked torso painting a couple of cardboard signs and my big over shoulder satchel with chalk pens paper etc in it. Was funny knowing they were coming, saw them to my left, I was heading towards Willis Street across from Midland Park. They put on their lights, quickly did a u turn and jumped out of their car to aprehend me lol. Told them to calm down I knew I was going to be arrested, that’s why I had come to Wellington – strange to them of course. I was picked up on warrant for breach of bail for not attending court. Not for nutting off at the dick head at the HRC and breaching a trespass order. WAs prepared for it to happen though.
Tried to talk them out of handcuffs but couldn’t, managed to get them put on in front of me which is so much less oppressive/scary/vulnerable than behind your back. She also did it really loosely on my right wrist cause told her I get arthritis in it.
Male officer told me handcuffs were for theirs and my safety – lol – brainwashed. Not in my situation they’re not – its one thing I hope the UN can look at having a restriction on police using handcuffs, particularly in a public place. They were OK, just following the book and treating me like any criminal who had a warrant out for their arrest.
Got back to the station and got processed, almost everybody was nice, were surprised to see me back. The woman I had a run in with last time came and talked to me a few times, said she was pretty stressed with work etc last time I was there and sort of apologised, we made peace – that’s the main thing.
Didn’t sleep all night but was able to read a book, which I couldn’t last time because my stress levels were too high. I can’t hold the story in my head when very stressed, even this time there were a few times I had to re-read paragraphs because I hadn’t absorbed what I just read. Its a horrible part of Complex PTSD and a lot of people don’t understand it, can make you feel really stupid and like you going mad. I worked out over years, it comes and goes depending on my stress levels.
I was OK with going through the police process I had gone over it in my head many times. Had all the same guards as last time just in a different order, they were really cheerful and nice. Told them I was in a much better state than last time and just wanted to get through the process and get things sorted out. Last time I was self-harming and really distressed, this time I was really chilled out.
Had a guy come into the cells about 6pm who banged and yelled most of the night, then started up again in the morning – when I get stressed too, cause you don’t know what time is and all the guards disappear to organise transfers etc. Handover is at around 7am. So in the morning he sets off sprinkler in his cell and flooded something else by the sounds of it, lol, all the male prisoners were put in the female section – was weird seeing the guys – cause you never do. They have it set up so people can’t see each other – I’m all good with that, few of them looked dodgy as. They handcuffed him and put him in the Female Day cell that I can see from my special window/mental health cell. Gave him the thumbs up for what he’d done, I was bored too.
As 11pm shift came on I asked if I could go in the bigger cell to prepare myself for going in the van in the morning, like I had spoken to Stuart about – when I made a comment about my first visit and how they could improve it. He was a pommy guy with a bald head, manipulative power tripper. So a group of them are outside my cell and he makes a comment about me being a Human Rights activist in a mocking tone then tells me he will think about the change of cell and tell me in the morning – he didn’t. I worried about it all night, because had a bad feeling I would have a meltdown in the morning – which I did and are really horrible. He purposely denied my request and kept me guessing to exert his authority and disempower me – and it would have had even more impact if I didn’t understand psychology of abusive power relationships. so I’ll be making a complaint to police about it. That is the sort of person who SHOULD NEVER BE in a position of power over others.
Got to have a shower at around 4.30am and had an early breakfast, 3 weetbix milk sugar & a milo. Should have asked for something to take with me, didn’t realise how long it would be until I had food again – and I have diabetes issues if I don’t eat reguarly – especially having been up all night, when your body needs extra food. I learnt that years ago, if you want to stay up all night at a party you have to keep eating throughout the night, its your body running out of fuel that makes you tired.
Reluctant to get in the van in the morning, they just turn up to take you, it freaks you out, I need to know what is going to happen to mentally prepare – fuck them!!!!
Van to Lower Hutt was really cold, 2 metal boxes in back of a van, 4 men sitting close together in one side and 2 women in the other. First time I’ve had someone to talk to during transport, she was a regular visitor, knew the system well, but we avoided why we there.
We change to the NEW truck for trip over Rimutakas, it has about 10 metal boxes with individual windows – the staff were gloating that it belonged to Wairarapa and Hutt were jealous they didn’t have anything that flash. Obviously they have never spent any time in the back – I have got to get something done about the design or they going to have lots more people flipping out like me.
I refused to get in this van, he had to take my arm, but I did’nt resist past that, these metal boxes are only as big as your body and solid except for small windows. Killer on your back, when you get jolted over bumps, there no padding its just a stainless steel bench about 1m square – FREEZING COLD AGAIN. Not only cold thick metal there was a blast of cool air blowing down from directly above that you couldn’t get away from, it either went on top of your head or if you sat hard up against back it went onto your body and legs, which felt even colder.
Someone yelled out to guards to turn the fans off at about Upper Hutt, guards told him they were for ventilation, I chimed in that I wanted them off too, I was fkn freezing.
I got colder and colder – sooooo bad for my stress disorder – people under extreme stress are supposed to be kept warm. Got angrier and angrier too. When I got to Masterton refused to move – couldn’t move – I don’t know, but didn’t get out of van for about 5mins – they didn’t know what to do. When I finally did because I thought they were going to get more physical two women were standing at end of truck. I angrily asked WHAT ARE YOU – they were detectives, one of them said how she had heard about me in a nice enough voice – I have got lots of supporters in the police – my response as I went past was a vicious GET FUCKED. Was angry at the police for putting me through this shit, through all of this shit letting ACC manipulate them and refusing to investigate my complaints about them.
Was put in women’s holding cell at Masterton Court – it was fkn freezing as well, blasting cool air and a vent that went directly outside I could see through. We had arrived about 10.30am from what I can gather, I wasn’t feeling very well coming over but was so fkn angry ignored it. Got there was so cold put x2 on my ReFuSe tag I left two weeks ago. They wouldn’t give me my shoes, eventually they gave me a museli bar at around 12pm – I had breakfast at 5am – they were told I had diabetes issues, it should be on my transfer notes I have to be offered food at regular intervals, they know the time I don’t – WTF. Grrrr That’s what those notes are fucking for – not a pile of disgusting offensive bigotry.
I sang Why Am I Arrested, Human Sewage and I wish I was dead with all loud drumming required on the walls – which went through the whole building I now know tehehehehe. Some young people in other cells made comment about me ‘that protester’, also came to look at me through the window when one of them was wandering around. Said something about me being Crazy – not me the crazy one dumarse – sometimes young people grrrrrrrr.
After singing revolting old white guy guard came to tell me I was embarrassing myself – trying to degrade me – oppressive and wanting to make me feel even more marginalised. Again, lucky I know these sorts of tactics and can shake off most of their shit – but always a bit that sticks and makes you feel like shit. Those are the comments that go on a loop in your head when you sink down into the well/darkness and consider all the good reasons you should kill youself. I’m sure I’ll have to deal with that in the next few weeks – I’m sure there will be fallout from Thursday’s meltdown.
Then the arsehole said I was up next, ie first after lunch, They called out 4 names before I STARTED LOOPING OUT – I was so distressed and so cold started losing it, started ticking by banging my whole body back against the door making a really loud noise, felt sooo good, calms me, its like a heartbeat and because its so violent on your whole body you can’t think of the anything else and it calms down the ‘panic attack’ you about to have – that happened later when outside. Telling someone something is going to happen and then it not happening is another psychological torture method and what the guard in Wellington did. An abuse and perversion of power – it is very common but should not be tolerated in people working in police etc. (Have found out since guards were pissed off with delays too, it was court staff who delayed my appearance – same court staff I gave shit to recently for not providing CCTV footage.)
Guard came along trying to get me to stop, turned the fan on full blast so I was even colder, turned the light on and off several times. I was freaking out because of what had been happening and him lying to me, then he didn’t know what to do when I started freaking out more than he expected and the judge knows about it, cause the whole building can hear me. If I’m causing that much fuss, then he has failed his job and EVERYBODY knows it.
I knew bus back to Carterton was at 1pm and it was 12, I got out at 1pm, with no time to walk to the bus stop 10 mins away.
My old public defence lawyer Susie turned up, which was a welcome sight as I was in full freak out mode pacing around the cell. She spoke to the judge when i was up, told judge not-guilty and case now set down for 25 June. They kept saying the police don’t oppose bail – because this is the third time I havn’t turned up for court and violated my bail conditions. Of course police don’t oppose bail – that might be a bit much considering they put me here – they wouldn’t want to be reminded of what they have done grrrrrrr. Police prosecutor in court looked ashamed, wouldn’t look at me.
After Susie spoke I made sure I had my say, without following any rules – except trying not to swear, it was pretty obvious I was really pissed off and really freaked out. Not many people get to address the judge like I do but there was NO WAY I was leaving that courtroom without her knowing about Geneva Healthcare refusing me OT services and still not having a lawyer – which Susie told her anyway. It was Judge Morris, I Know her and she knows my situation quite well, was still all I could do not to swear at her for allowing this to go on for years. Like I said, I have never hurt anyone, they hurt me.
I reakon they left me until last so there weren’t many people in the gallery, they don’t like the public seeing me go through the system because I have no respect for the judge or the process and give them shit – using their own laws. Quoted Magna Carta several times and reminded her I said two weeks ago when I saw here I wasn’t voluntarily participating in teh justice process until I had health care I need and lawyer I need.
They know at court making me wait stresses me out – they’ve accommodated this aspect of my disability before – why not now, when I’m in an even more stressful situation do they now ignore it? They could have changed the order, they knew I was going to arrive the night before. grrrr, will be bringing this all up in my complaints to police AGAIN – that they will never listen to but I have to do because nobody else does grrrrrrrrr.
Told court staff to go get my painting and bag etc because I would not be going to the police station to pick them up like last time – I don’t want to see those motherfuckers at the moment – especially that dark headed bitch on reception.
Waited in the bail room, at least slightly warmer, but I was chilled to the bone. NEK MINIT started crying uncontrollably, that heartbroken cry where you can’t even close your mouth and you dribble onto the ground in front of you as you sit there rocking, wailing, in such emotional pain. Your heart smashed to pieces by what you are being put through for asking for health care and justice you entitled to, for throwing paint on a white ribbon banner after being assaulted and threatened by police – plus knowing just how cruel and corrupt your government and so many others are.
Was let out, almost ran out of the court, got outside took two steps, stood there shaking, thinking – I had missed the bus, I was now extremely upset and would have to go to the park, find something sharp and spend the next few hours self-harming until next bus to Carterton. Didn’t have anyone I could call to pick me up.
I became completely overwhelmed, my arms gave way & I dropped my paintings signs & bag just as my legs gave way from under me and I ended up on the footpath curled up in a ball on my side. I managed to sit up and started rocking and wailing/crying loudly – in a way that would make my broken heart feel some sort of relief from what had just happened to me. I wasn’t there long and a woman came along and one of the guards from court came out. They were both very nice, the woman was from Te Hauora, I been screwed over by them several times, so I was scared of her, but when she offered me a ride home I had to ignore that and say yes – I had to get home – my homing beacon was on full strength and causes me huge stress if I don’t listen to it. I wanted to be where nobody could see me melting down, it is so humiliating when it happens – it has only been this bad four other times in 15 years.
I couldn’t keep my mouth shut with the woman, I tried, I didn’t want to tell her anything, but all my biggest fears and worries were just tumbling out of my mouth, just like the anger does when I go ‘tourettes’. I kept saying sorry, it was OK, it didn’t matter, I just wanted to go home etc. She asked all the usual questions about a doctor etc, told her I don’t have a doctor and why – that I havnt’ seen one for over 2 years (1 for WINZ form last year doesn’t count). Think she was pretty horrified at how unwell and unsupported I was, told her a little about not trusting Te Hauora. I didn’t’ have any bread or milk at home, was crying about how poor I was and how tired I was of being poor and there of course was not point in living in this shit hole country. etc etc. She gave me $20 I refused – I HATE CHARITY – she demanded I take it, I HATE PEOPLE WHO DEMAND I TAKE CHARITY, and from an organisation that has ensured I was taken advantage of and traumatised by a flatmate under their care, denied me care themselves and let me down when I was really unwell. A friend in the community who worked for Te Hauora for a short time told me what they thought of me, that lots of people had tried to help me, I just didn’t want help. FUCKING SCUMBAG FUCKING LYING PIECES OF FUCKING GARBAGE. Same people I have made complaints about that were covered up and not dealt with you mean. They a big part of the bigoted rumour mill round here.
I’m sure the only reason I had that horrendous meltdown is the cold, it was like being tortured. It has left me feeling tearful and very very fragile, I don’t want to go out anywhere – I can’t anyway I”m so broke. I’m hoping I don’t get a backlash in a few days, sometimes that can happen and I get highly suicidal and all the oppressive degrading things staff did/said will come back to haunt me.
At least Susie and even Judge Morris acknowleged that I had been punished and suffered in custody – which is why of course I wasn’t prosecuted for breaching bail ($2,000 fine & 1 yr in prison is what they threaten on bail form for violations). Given I had sent them an email Thursday last week saying I was both mentally incapable due to my disorder and refused to attend, asking them not to make me into a criminal – they did anyway.
One thing pissed me off about Te Hauora lady, she spent at least 5mins telling me to take medication for my anxiety – WTF. Terrorised women are being put on medications to deal with teh inhuman and unsafe living situations they are being forced to endure by the government. Its sick, deeply deeply disturbing, immoral, unethical, unprofessional and ILLEGAL. I also explained I was a rescuer and helped lost souls pass over to the light, I was told by spirit not to take medication or it would affect my ability to protect myself spiritually. She didn’t say anything after that – Maori understand spirituality a lot better than Pakeha thank God. They have a lot more respect for spiritual people as well – most Pakeha ridicule us – sad considering our entire legal system is based on christian principles of fairness justice and us being all the same before God irrelevant of our wealth and status on earth.
I’m having a chill out day today, my daughter is taking me out for brunch for mother’s day which will be nice. Will try and stay in the present and not feel bad about the fact I can’t afford to take myself out for brunch or anybody else. I will barely be able to afford to buy my daughter a present, its her birthday soon – my life would have been so different if I had health care and help I needed to return to work after I was raped. Fkn scumbag government, fkn terrorist murderers 🙁
My back is hurting, so trying to not do anything more to strain that after the trip over Rimutakas in truck, feels like a lower disc wants to move and I know what that means – not being able to sit down at all, only being able to walk around slowly or lay down and in agony for days. Its happened before. Obviously justice transport not designed for older people with aches pains & injuries.
People ask me why do I do this to myself, I can assure you it is actually helping me, it is very hard being really unwell at home on my own, its far more stressful than protesting and getting arrested. I get food I don’t have to pay for, hot drinks, to talk to interesting different people who understand more about failings of mental health system than anybody else – police.
Some police are OK & actually respect what I am trying to do with my mental health advocacy work – trying to get a better journey through teh system for people who have traumatic stress disorders. I can assure everybody I DO NOT TRUST THE POLICE and nobody reading this should either – their are some real nasty pieces of work amongst them & most/all of the others will cover it up. As nice as some are there are others who are fkn aresholes and they all sit back and allow shit to happen. Wouldn’t even be surprised if the cold transport was for my benefit – I would assume the new truck would have had heating. Police trying all those psychological torture tactics perhaps – when constable French said you’ll see how bad police can be, is this what he meant?